adapt

danger of adaptability

before we know it, adaptability becomes an instinct. we study a room before speaking, remain quiet when we really want to speak, or shrink to make others feel comfortable. this lesson is absorbed through repetition, and we begin to refine ourselves. we round the edge, rehearse our tone, and translate our hunger into something easier to swallow. we then go on to call it maturity, growth, etc. and because we are capable, we become exceptional at it. we become the one who understands, the one who compromises, the one who doesn’t require much. we are praised for being easy and palatable. adaptability, when practiced long enough rearranges our entire being. we begin to anticipate disappointment before it is spoken, we soften truths before they are challenged and we withdraw our needs before they are dismissed. this alone tends to leave marks; our body grows vigilant, our voice grows cautious and our heart grows strategic. we begin to measure connection by how little we disrupt it; we survive by becoming tolerable and because the world rewards tolerable, the adjustment feels justified. strength becomes endurance and endurance becomes identity and identity becomes distance. distance between what we feel and what we permit. distance between what we want and what we request. distance between our authentic self and who the world told us to be. the most dangerous aspect within this is not the compromise but the pride in it. the pride in being low maintenance, absorbing discomfort, and needing nothing. we tend to convince ourselves that silence is wisdom and self-erasure is generosity. we see it in all the spaces we’re in. honestly, for a while this seems to protect us. we think it preserves our relationships and minimizes conflict. and for what? approval? (rolls eyes) over time we start to see how this very protection becomes exile, a displacement from our own life. something essential has been negotiated away without even realizing it. the question is not whether we adapted skillfully, we did. the question is whether the conditions that required still exist or whether we have continued performing survival long after the danger has passed.

(from a collection in the works)